Sunday, March 02, 2008

March Matchups: J-Lo vs. LiLo

After Ms. Garcia is finished with her quite moving performance of "America the Beautiful," the crowd erupts when Jennifer Lopez comes down to the ring. Lopez, while holding a microphone, tells Lilian how great of a singer she is and that perhaps they could collaborate on an album someday. Before Garcia has a chance to answer, Lindsey Lohan jumps out of her ringside seat – yes folks the stars are out tonight – and tells J-Lo that she, Li’Lo, is the “in thing” today and that J-Lo is "out."

Lopez and Garcia just look at each other in shock, while Li’Lo gloatingly holds up a copy of New York Magazine (pictured above) which features Lohan doing her best “Marilyn Monroe.” Lohan says that she wants a match with Lopez right now! So, Lilian Garcia jumps out of the ring and a referee comes down. We’ve got our first match of March Matchups: J-Lo vs. LiLo.

The match starts off quickly as both ladies exchange punches, kicks and some hair pulls. Lopez quickly shows her martial arts background with some spinning leg kicks and a couple of chops to Lohan’s throat. Apparently, Lopez learned the art of self-defense while filming Enough. She then takes Lohan and whips her into the corner and follows up by running and leaping into Lohan butt first. LiLo is out cold and J-Lo covers her for the easy win.

Lopez then goes over to the corner where Lohan’s New York Magazine is laying. She rips the front cover off of it and stuffs it into Lohan’s mouth, adding insult to injury. Our ring announcer makes the result official announcing the winner of our first match: Jennifer "J-Lo" Lopez.

J-Lo does not have long to celebrate, however, as out of nowhere Hillary Clinton appears at ringside with a microphone in her hand and her husband, Bill, in tow.

“You may think you are something by beating up that little girl, but my 35 years of experience is something you wouldn’t be able to handle,”Hillary screeches.

Our esteemed broadcasters, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross, look at one another appearing quite bewildered. They ponder Mrs. Clinton’s claim of "35 years of experience." Ponderous man, just ponderous.

Hillary is relentless with her verbal assault and tells Lopez to go get a tag team partner and take on the “dirtiest players in the game,” stealing a line from legendary wrestler Ric Flair. J-Lo’s husband, Marc Anthony, comes down to the ring to overwhelming laughter. Hillary points at Anthony and laughs, saying he’s about as tough as John Edwards and that he should be busy getting his nails done. At that, Ben Affleck comes out of the audience dressed in a Boston Red Sox jogging suit and sporting a "Vanilla Ice" haircut. He agrees to team up with his ex-flame. So we’ve got ourselves a tag team war ladies and gentleman.

It’s Bennifer vs. Billary!


Rob Adams said...

I liked LiLo's chances, but the problem is that J-Lo "can show LiLo da Bronx", and there's no way LiLo can beat that, so it seems like an unfair fight in retrospect.

And based on this, are you telling me that Ben Affleck is no longer being f***ed by Jimmy Kimmel? Or will Jimmy make a late jump into the ring?

It's all so confusing!

Sean G. Kilkelly said...

HaHa very funny!

All I can say is stay tuned...