Friday, March 07, 2008

March Matchups: 20-Person Over The Top Rope Blowhards Battle Royale

Hello and welcome back everyone to March Matchups! Our next contest is a 20-Person Over The Top Rope Blowhards Battle Royale (try to say that 10 times fast). Let's go up to the ring where Lilian Garcia is announcing the participants:

-Charles Barron (NYC Councilman and former Black Panther)
-Chris Berman (ESPN Broadcaster)
-“Psycho” Ward Churchill (Former University of Colorado Professor)
-Senator Hillary Clinton
-Ann Coulter (Conservative flamethrower)
-Maureen Dowd (New York Times’ Columnist/Manhater)
-Mike Francesa (WFAN Know-it-All)
-Rudy Giuliani (“America’s Mayor” my ass!)
-Bob “The Bully” Grant (WABC Talkie)
-David Gregory (NBC’s Chief White House Correspondent/Creep)
-Paul "The Bushbasher" Krugman (New York Times’ Columnist)
-Bill Maher (Politically Incorrect Host)
-Chris “The Interrupter” Matthews (MSNBC)
-Pierre McGuire (NBC Hockey Guy/Rangers Hater)
-Michael “Master Splicer” Moore (Filmmaker)
-Phil “Mr. Sloppy” Mushnick (New York Post)
-Keith “The Real Worst Person” Olbermann (MSNBC)
-Rev. Al “Slim Shady” Sharpton
-“The Smiling Assassin” Isiah Thomas (Knicks’ President/Coach)

So first off let’s define 'blowhard.' A quick perusal of gave us this definition: a boaster or braggart. Now onto the rules of the match which are that the only way to win is to be the last man standing in the ring after all other 19 participants have been thrown over the top rope with both of their feet hitting the floor of the Big Dick Dudley Memorial Coliseum.

So let the bodies hit the floor…

The match begins with the action being quite fast and furious. The great thing about a battle royale or a royal rumble match is the different pairings and confrontations that can occur. For example, Hillary Clinton and Ann Coulter have formed an unlikely pairing to do a number on Maureen Dowd. But, folks, in a strange sequence of events, immediately after the bell rang, Paul Krugman jumped over the top rope and down to the arena floor, thus eliminating himself. But what else could you expect from a weasel?

Bob Grant and Al Sharpton are exchanging rights and lefts at a feverish pace. Phil Mushnick and Mike Francesa immediately square off. Chris Berman goes right after former ESPN colleague Keith Olbermann. Meanwhile, our esteemed broadcasters at ringside, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, note that 20 people did not begin the match, but rather 19. So who is missing?

There’s just too much action going on here to describe it all…We'll fast forward now to the final three: Chris Berman, Mike Francesa and Phil Mushnick. Francesa and Mushnick are wearing "crimson masks," that is, they have both been bloodied pretty badly or perhaps they used blood capsules. The three are all looking at one another and ready to pounce, when all of a sudden out of nowhere comes Donald “The Ogre” Gibb. He points at the three men in the ring and yells his trademark, “Nerds!” The 6’4” actor (pictured above) noted for his role in Revenge of the Nerds, storms the ring and quickly throws each man over the top and down to the Coliseum floor.

Thus, "The Ogre" is your winner!

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